Long Weekend

It's Wednesday following the 4th of July weekend, and I cannot believe that one week ago, I was up to my neck in CONvergence preparations. From Wedneday (the 29th) to the following Monday, Andrew and I were helping run the largest party in the midwest. Days after, I am still exhausted, though more mentally than physically. Physically though, I seem to have wounded my knee, and I'm not sure quite how that happened.

This weekend kept me busier during the convention than I'd ever been before. This year, I had four groups I was working with, and obligations for each one. For the convention committee itself, I was working as a sub-head for Merchandise (acting head up until May while Andrew finished the semester) and co-head for the Photography department. Merch was probably the most maddening, and Photography the least so. I have more fun with that than anything else.

I was also running the Dr. Horrible and Buffy sing-a-longs for VHU and MN Firefly. MN Firefly/Browncoats have a licencing agreement that gives them the rights to show Dr. H at CON and also at a local theater in August to raise money for charity (Equality Now). The Buffy one VHU does on it's own, but invites the browncoats in to give their speech on Equality Now, just as they do for the Dr. H sing-a-long. I myself am not planning on hosting the sing-a-longs next year for two main reasons. One, I'd like to enjoy the con from 11 to 1 every night and not have to worry about technical difficulties (which seem to plague me every year). Two, my relationship with VHU has faltered and I no longer get along with several of their members. Sad that I seem to rack up enemies the way I do, but I hate bigotry and hipocracy, and worst of all, I hate passive aggressive talking behind the back. I will never tolerate that, and would stand up to someone at the cost of friendship rather than accept a fair-weather friendship that is only based on lies.

Please forgive my tangent there. Aside from those items, my GPS/Project Lighthouse duties included setting up Raptor Center visits on Thursday and Saturday. On Thursday of the convention for a few years now, we've brought in kids from a local school as a field trip to see the con and see what we do. The kids go through "classes", help out around the convention and have a pizza party. One of the classes was the Raptor Center visit I set up. The kids loved the birds and I was very happy at how it went. Prior to that presentation, Andrew hosted the Science Q&A, and I was so proud at how he answered questions from all the kids.

The Saturday visit (for the rest of the convention attendees) went well too. The room was over-filled, and many were standing or sitting on the floor. The presenters did a great job and the leader - Katie - and I discussed how we could get a database together of all the schools who we could send them to. Very exciting! As the person in charge of Project Lighthouse, I love all the new friendships we help cultivate between schools and educational programs.

But a lot of these relationships take work. I did a lot of schmoozing over the weekend. A lot of networking and just plain a lot of working. This convention has become a job and the people all just co-workers. This is a major problem for me. First of all, I'm not getting paid for it, and it might be that I'm doing far too much to not be getting any benefits. And second, I'd really rather be spending the time with my real friends - hanging out, having fun...all that good stuff. Volunteering a few hours here and there is worth it... but I'm realizing that volunteering my life away isn't. Even if it turns out that in the end, more money is donated because of me, or more kids are educated because of me, I don't know that I can put a number on it to justify its worth.

It's obvious I've been pretty conflicted lately. I love being busy, so busy that I can barely breathe is a bit much. And of course, due to that, I've been neglecting personal relationships. Family, friends, etc. Though I'm sure they understand, I don't wish to sacrifice them for nothing.

Actually... I want to start sacrificing all of this for me. I want to start getting what I want.

Now, to just figure out what that is...

My Crossroads

These days, I feel that I am at a crossroads in my life. There are many ways that I could go, but not all at once, of course. So now I ask myself, what is it that I want? Where do I want to be?

So readers, bear with me as I brainstorm. I even drew a picture.

And apparently I drew it too large for my scanner, so I had to remake the question mark up at the top. But let's start to the right. The 3-o'clock position. 

Kids! I could have children. Andrew and I have been off-and-on again on this subject for a long time. We've never been ready, nor really 100% sure we wanted them. And I guess I feel like I should be that sure. I've received lots of advice on this issue. My father said to not wait until I'm ready, because I'll never be ready. By his thinking, children are like a natural disaster. You can never be 100% ready; you just have to deal with the aftermath the best you can. My mother thinks differently. It's my life and when they get here, it won't be. Then it'll be the Children: The Movie and I'll just be a side actor. Or a behind-the-scenes tech crew worker. I believe I'm equipped to handle this. I am one of the strongest people I know (1) and I believe that I can do anything, including putting myself and my needs on the back-burner when needed. But right now I'm in luck... I don't have to. I can work on me first. And really, I should work on me first. I wouldn't want to punish a child by having to deal with my crap, and worse, mine AND Andrew's crap. I don't believe the Boomer generation really thought all that through like our grandparents' generation did (2). The best advice I got about having children came from my friend Carolyn. She basically assured me that being unsure is okay, and that if I'm not completely gunning for it, it's really okay to not have kids. If I remember correctly, to paraphrase: If you're not ready, don't. My cousin Kirstin said something similar to me too, telling me that even though I worry of too many redneck kids in the world, there are plenty of liberals out there having kids too, and I don't have to add to the scale just for that reason. Not that liberalism is my only reason...lol  My grandparents - no let me change that - my grandfather - pressures me for an addition to the family, and I think he thinks that procreating is a duty. I'm not so sure when there are plenty of kids out there already. Our planet is full enough, thank you very much. But I only think that in defense. I don't think I would be doing any damage by adding another child to the world. 

Career! My other option right now is to focus on my career. This is sort of tricky because I'm not sure I want to do what I've been doing for the rest of my life. I'm a technical writer and an editor - a pretty good one too, I think. I love grammar and I know it inside and out. And for what I don't know, I have these handy style manuals that remind me what I am forgetting in my old age. So anyway, I could continue on this path... Get a new job and work hard at it. Maybe be an editor-in-chief of something someday. Mostly what I'm looking at here is money. I really like money. It helps me buy stuff that I don't need like designer clothes, spendy Christmas gifts for others and vacations to Disney World (3). 

School! Even though I'd have no idea how to pay for it, eventually I'd like to go back to school. Either for my MA in something (everyone says business graduates make lots of moolah), or going back to school for art. As I'm sure you can tell from my drawing, I love to do so, but the talent is somewhat lacking. And never mind my complete disregard for perspective. My dream job would be to work for Pixar. But that's one of those dream jobs that is the ultimate dream. I don't think I can get that far. Not without a lot of schooling, the best grades, and a lot of luck. 

The side roads... Well, let's be honest. Don't we all wish sometimes that we could just pack up and leave? I would love to sell everything, buy a plane ticket and move to a sunny island somewhere. Work as a bartender and spend my mornings at the beach. Yeah, I could totally dig that. (4) And of course I have other ideas. Plans I would never initiate unless I was at rock bottom. Or if the eventual zombie apocalypse comes early. And it will come. ;-)

So, where does my brainstorming lead me? Well, I'm still not sure. Still stuck. Maybe I need motivation. Or a sign. Maybe I just need to cuddle my guinea pig some more and then when I'm done sneezing, contemplate some more.

1. I hate wusses and weak people. My grandparents are the toughest people I know, and I believe I've followed well in that category.

2. The Boomers ruined everything.

3. That's a big one. Just about everything I do I do with the knowledge in the back of my mind that I want to go to Disney World again. And again. And again.
4. Does saying "dig" date me? Is that not cool anymore? :-p

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

My Halloween song, done to the tune of Andy Williams' "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year." Hope you like!
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It's the most wonderful time of the year 
With the kids trick or treating
And everyone telling you "Enjoy the fear!" 
It's the most wonderful time of the year 
It's the scar-scariest season of all
With those Halloween parties and hay rides to go on 
Oh, you'll have a ball,It's the hap- happiest season of all!

There'll be parties for hosting,
Pumpkin seeds for toasting,
And hoping it will not snow.
There'll be scary ghost stories,
And tales of the glories of,
tricks played long, long ago...

It's the most wonderful time of the year.
There'll be many sexy costumes,
And kids dressed as cartoons,
When candy is near!
It's the most wonderful time of the year!

There'll be pumpkins for carving,
Community party-ing,
And zombie bar crawls downtown.
There'll be scary TV movies,
Costuming cuties, 
Let's try to avoid the clowns! 

It's the most wonderful time of the year!
There'll be much dressing up,
And filling your cup,
With Halloween treats, that is clear! 
It's the most wonderful time 
It's the most wonderful time 
It's the most wonderful time 
It's the most wonderful time of the year!!!

The Argument for Weddings

This past weekend, I was in a wedding for my good friends, Jim and Nyree. As one of Nyree's bridesmaids (bridesmatron?) I had to get the dress, the shoes, the hair style, and of course the stuff that goes with that - make-up, undergarments, etc. Including a shower gift, wedding gift, transportation, etc., the price of being a bridesmaid is quite high. And during the last year, I was somewhat worried about it, and I'm sure I complained to my husband more than I needed to. He was a groomsman as well, but aside from the tux, he didn't have much else to worry about. Men usually don't.

Prior to the wedding, we (the wedding party, friends, etc.) were commenting on how weddings were just too expensive these days and how it was just too much monetarily for the bride and groom to support on their own. DJs, photographers, catering... It's a lot for two people to handle. And even if they have help from their parents, as I did, it can start a marriage off in the wrong direction: the road to debtville. And what of the bride and groom? Are they throwing a reception for themselves or for their family? Personally, I did the whole big wedding thing to please my grandparents, who would have probably disowned me if I eloped. My mother would have loved it though... And doing something so massive just to please others seems somewhat of a waste if you yourself can't enjoy the fruits of it.

However, on Saturday, I realized something that hadn't occurred to me before - nor would have if I hadn't been a part of the wedding party. Wedding receptions and the ceremony are much more than just a large party. It's a right of passage, but also a commitment of camaraderie with your friends and family. I had many bonding experiences with people throughout the day, and became closer friends with a few people (from my perspective).

I have to wonder if the entire experience is a chance for the bride to test her friends... 'If you can make it through this, I know you'll be with me when things get rough.' And perhaps, 'If I'm making a mistake, you owe it to me to tell me!' Thankfully, this was not the case here. Jim and Nyree belong together, and that's clearly evident from their love and attitudes toward each other.

And yes, perhaps they did just throw this big wedding for their family and friends. For the people that enjoyed the food, cake, DJ, etc., it's an extravagant party and an excuse to dress up. Also, as a guest, there's a good chance you will know others there. Family or friends whom you haven't seen in a long time, and now have the chance to catch-up with. Weddings are one of the more important gatherings in life, and are savored for years afterward.

I didn't truly appreciate this until Saturday, and specifically, at about 4:05pm, when standing up at the front of the room. I saw one of my friends walk up the isle, father ready to give her away, beaming and looking the most radiant I'd ever seen her. Looking over at her fiancé, I saw the same look in his eyes as when he proposed to her. At that moment, I felt that (for me anyway), all the preparation and duty-bound tasks were worth it. I hope it was for her too.

My Choice, My Decision - 7/13/10

One of the unfortunate side-effects of a relative having a baby is the question that many ask: "When are you going to have a baby?" It is my personal belief, that like being asked "When are you getting married?" to a single person, this is one of the most anger-inducing questions. You almost want to ask in return, "When are you going to die? Because that's the next logical step now for you, isn't it?"

I don't like - no, I hate - how much our society values worth by relationships. For example:

• "Your child is a trouble maker. You must be a bad parent!"
• "Your kid didn't go to college? For shame..."
• "Your brother is in jail? You must have been a bad influence!"
• "Your father hurt you? What did you do to deserve it?" 

While these statements are made up, they're still real in the sense that the person on the receiving end feels that this was what is meant when people ask questions about the circumstances that arise in our lives. We have no control over these events, even if we may have provided support (or lack thereof) in one way or another.

I may have control over whether I can get pregnant or not (thanks to birth control pills), but I do not have control over what I feel are circumstances that would make one a bad parent, specifically, a bad father.

My husband likes kids - more or less. He's not what one would call overly patient, but he's very careful with children when in their presence. He seems to understand their delicate nature, yet also the "bounce back" ability they have. And of course, he's extremely intelligent, but to the point where I think he might push his own child too hard to build explosives or become a world-renown genius.

But being insane is not enough alone to make one a bad parent. But I believe that being abusive is. How can you trust a person with another being - a child - when you can't trust him with anything else? And more importantly, with your own life, feelings, belongings, etc.?

And that is why I choose to not have children. Because while I made the choice years ago to be with my husband, I will not make that choice for one who cannot choose. I won't bring another person into this world who won't have the choice of parentage or lifestyle for at least eighteen years. I won't let this person - this imaginary being that hasn't been conceived yet - know fear and anger and frustration when I could have prevented it.

It's bad enough that I have to deal with it. I won't let it ever come near my child.

[Note: 8/26/19: Well, shit, this post didn't age well.]