Where to begin...
This fall sucks. Autumn, I mean, but also my metaphorical fall from where I was. I'm depressed, angry, hurt, and at every turn i feel like crying. That's not a way to live.
Last week, I got "demoted." My boss changed my job status from full-time to "part-time/temporary," meaning that I lose my benefits and most of my hours, but should they feel the need to abuse me, they can give me hours anywhere from one to forty in a week. Even if I find another job, I won't be able to deny the hours until I quit. So I'm looking for a new job. However, in this economy, it's freakin' hard. It seems no one is hiring, and I just have to hope I get lucky. First step - get resume out there and work my ass off in finding that job. And in that case, blog less. ;-)
Aside from that, my marriage is falling apart before my eyes. I suppose that's not the correct terminology to use; it's not like a building falling down. This is a partnership that I had a part in. But the hurt and loathing I feel toward my husband is more than I can stand. I hate being in the same room with him. His mood swings give me daily whiplash and my mind turns to violent thoughts of poison, stabbing, and ball-kicking. Things I wouldn't do, but that I will let my mind imagine.
His anger issues are troubling. I had decided long ago that I would not have children with him because of those issues. It's just too dangerous. That upsets me, but I might have been able to live with just that. But then the anger turns toward me. He blames me for everything, only brings up his feelings and problems when he's angry (and thus shouting at me for things that seemed to have come from nowhere), criticizes me to where I feel worthless, and in that, I cannot stop the tears from coming.
I'm quite close to losing it, and I think the only thing I can do is hold on for dear life. It's like I'm at the edge of a cliff. No one is coming to rescue me, though. I'm just going to hang there and either fall, or eventually pull myself up. I hope I have the strength.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Hallows Eve
I love Halloween. It's usually one of my favorite holidays, but this year I'm having a hard time "feeling" it. This year, it's on a Saturday, and while that would normally be cause for extra goofing off, there seems to be less to do this year. Boring. As. All.
As I told my friend Tim, we're too old to go trick-or-treating, TPing, or wild parties, but too young to not do anything at all. He said that most people our age were taking their kids out. Well, phooey on them. They'd rather be partying too, I imagine.
Parents didn't really "take kids out" when I was a kid. We dressed up and went out on our own. We had fun and got candy while the older kids tried to take our candy and scare us. I had some good costumes as a kid and some lame ones. I remember doing Dewey Duck one year. And a witch another year. And of course, I had those stupid costumes that had plastic tie-arounds and masks that had tiny holes. Jeez, those were a piece of work.
Since I was unable to find anything better, Andrew and I are going to my grandparents' neighbor's party. It's just a garage party, and I really don't know a lot about it. But I'm excited to at least do something.
One thing I like is seeing how others dress. I love costumes. Kids costumes are so fun too. And it's great how kids can get so creative.
And tomorrow... oh, yes... tomorrow, I will go after-Halloween shopping! Woot!
As I told my friend Tim, we're too old to go trick-or-treating, TPing, or wild parties, but too young to not do anything at all. He said that most people our age were taking their kids out. Well, phooey on them. They'd rather be partying too, I imagine.
Parents didn't really "take kids out" when I was a kid. We dressed up and went out on our own. We had fun and got candy while the older kids tried to take our candy and scare us. I had some good costumes as a kid and some lame ones. I remember doing Dewey Duck one year. And a witch another year. And of course, I had those stupid costumes that had plastic tie-arounds and masks that had tiny holes. Jeez, those were a piece of work.
Since I was unable to find anything better, Andrew and I are going to my grandparents' neighbor's party. It's just a garage party, and I really don't know a lot about it. But I'm excited to at least do something.
One thing I like is seeing how others dress. I love costumes. Kids costumes are so fun too. And it's great how kids can get so creative.
And tomorrow... oh, yes... tomorrow, I will go after-Halloween shopping! Woot!
Friday, October 30, 2009
Wifi at the 'rents
I had to dog-sit for my family on Wednesday. Mom was at work and Grandma and Grandpa were going down to Austin (to visit the Spam museum, of all things), so the constant pooper Jacques (or Jockie, as we affectionately call him) would have been all alone. Mom couldn't have that, so I spent the day at the house. No internet outside of my mom's room was finally driving me nuts though, so I figured I'd install wifi in the house.
It was actually much easier than I thought it would be. The router isn't the best, but I wasn't willing to spend more than $50. But I don't care. It works well enough for me. And this way, if I come over to work there again and if anyone else comes over who needs internet access, it will be most helpful. My mom even offered to pay me for it! Perish the thought, I told her. It was my idea after all. It proved troublesome once, when I was setting it up. I accidentally unplugged G&G's phone. Whoops. Luckily for me, my grandfather is pretty handy and Jason at MediaCom was very nice. All patched.
Adding wifi to the family home base was a little weird, though. I felt like I was incorporating a change into such a constant and permanent structure. At first, it felt somehow wrong... Like I was pushing my family into a new age where robots and spacemen existed and did battle with each other. More than that though, I really just worried about causing more technological problems in the house. There have been many changes in that household's history... most of which I've been witness to. I remember the change from cords to cordless phones, 8 track to record to cassette to CD, VHS and laserdisc to DVD... I've even seen minor changes that have put the household in an uproar. Changing the doorbell for one. Jake and I trying to remove the stupid bells that Grandma kept on the door (we learned quick to not mess with Grandma's bells). Refrigerator changes too, were even a big deal. One that makes water automatically thrilled my grandparents. The microwave too, was a huge new appliance. And of course, over the years, the televisions have grown and become clearer.
Aside from items of a technological nature, I realized that not much else has changed at the house. The same cookie tin is there, as is my Grandmother's mother's cookbook that she displays. The squeaky bread drawer, the wire chicken above the fridge... many other little items that I could find if I had to. These things have always been there... And I don't think I could part with them if I had to. I've played with so many of the mundane items around the house, and made a place for them in my life, even though they weren't my possessions. I think it's that selflessness that my grandmother has, sharing her things and encouraging imagination, that will make going through the house (many years from now I hope) very difficult. But I think if I take a long while doing it, I may have a lot of fun.
Jake and I can find items we remember and play with them again. I'll have to find our Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to hide in the chicken basket.
It was actually much easier than I thought it would be. The router isn't the best, but I wasn't willing to spend more than $50. But I don't care. It works well enough for me. And this way, if I come over to work there again and if anyone else comes over who needs internet access, it will be most helpful. My mom even offered to pay me for it! Perish the thought, I told her. It was my idea after all. It proved troublesome once, when I was setting it up. I accidentally unplugged G&G's phone. Whoops. Luckily for me, my grandfather is pretty handy and Jason at MediaCom was very nice. All patched.
Adding wifi to the family home base was a little weird, though. I felt like I was incorporating a change into such a constant and permanent structure. At first, it felt somehow wrong... Like I was pushing my family into a new age where robots and spacemen existed and did battle with each other. More than that though, I really just worried about causing more technological problems in the house. There have been many changes in that household's history... most of which I've been witness to. I remember the change from cords to cordless phones, 8 track to record to cassette to CD, VHS and laserdisc to DVD... I've even seen minor changes that have put the household in an uproar. Changing the doorbell for one. Jake and I trying to remove the stupid bells that Grandma kept on the door (we learned quick to not mess with Grandma's bells). Refrigerator changes too, were even a big deal. One that makes water automatically thrilled my grandparents. The microwave too, was a huge new appliance. And of course, over the years, the televisions have grown and become clearer.
Aside from items of a technological nature, I realized that not much else has changed at the house. The same cookie tin is there, as is my Grandmother's mother's cookbook that she displays. The squeaky bread drawer, the wire chicken above the fridge... many other little items that I could find if I had to. These things have always been there... And I don't think I could part with them if I had to. I've played with so many of the mundane items around the house, and made a place for them in my life, even though they weren't my possessions. I think it's that selflessness that my grandmother has, sharing her things and encouraging imagination, that will make going through the house (many years from now I hope) very difficult. But I think if I take a long while doing it, I may have a lot of fun.
Jake and I can find items we remember and play with them again. I'll have to find our Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to hide in the chicken basket.
Friday, August 21, 2009
First Entry: Life Lessons
I'm starting this blog primarily as a way to keep track of slipping memories, and also link them to occurrences in my present. Secondary to this goal is to practice my writing, and make sure my skills (truly, if any) aren't forgotten. Another reason for this might be to share memories and thoughts with relatives or future generations, however, I do not expect this. Only now in my early thirties (can we pretend late twenties?) am I interested in stories of the past and of the lives of my relatives. I can only hope it's not too late to obtain some of that information. But my plan on collecting tales is not for here. This is where I shall plant my own histories, childhood memories, and anything connecting here and now to then and there. Through this, I hope to learn something about myself, the people I come from, and live a better life through lessons learned.
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