Friday, December 17, 2010

My Crossroads

These days, I feel that I am at a crossroads in my life. There are many ways that I could go, but not all at once, of course. So now I ask myself, what is it that I want? Where do I want to be?

So readers, bear with me as I brainstorm. I even drew a picture.


And apparently I drew it too large for my scanner, so I had to remake the question mark up at the top. But let's start to the right. The 3-o'clock position. 

Kids! I could have children. Andrew and I have been off-and-on again on this subject for a long time. We've never been ready, nor really 100% sure we wanted them. And I guess I feel like I should be that sure. I've received lots of advice on this issue. My father said to not wait until I'm ready, because I'll never be ready. By his thinking, children are like a natural disaster. You can never be 100% ready; you just have to deal with the aftermath the best you can. My mother thinks differently. It's my life and when they get here, it won't be. Then it'll be the Children: The Movie and I'll just be a side actor. Or a behind-the-scenes tech crew worker. I believe I'm equipped to handle this. I am one of the strongest people I know (1) and I believe that I can do anything, including putting myself and my needs on the back-burner when needed. But right now I'm in luck... I don't have to. I can work on me first. And really, I should work on me first. I wouldn't want to punish a child by having to deal with my crap, and worse, mine AND Andrew's crap. I don't believe the Boomer generation really thought all that through like our grandparents' generation did (2). The best advice I got about having children came from my friend Carolyn. She basically assured me that being unsure is okay, and that if I'm not completely gunning for it, it's really okay to not have kids. If I remember correctly, to paraphrase: If you're not ready, don't. My cousin Kirstin said something similar to me too, telling me that even though I worry of too many redneck kids in the world, there are plenty of liberals out there having kids too, and I don't have to add to the scale just for that reason. Not that liberalism is my only reason...lol  My grandparents - no let me change that - my grandfather - pressures me for an addition to the family, and I think he thinks that procreating is a duty. I'm not so sure when there are plenty of kids out there already. Our planet is full enough, thank you very much. But I only think that in defense. I don't think I would be doing any damage by adding another child to the world. 

Career! My other option right now is to focus on my career. This is sort of tricky because I'm not sure I want to do what I've been doing for the rest of my life. I'm a technical writer and an editor - a pretty good one too, I think. I love grammar and I know it inside and out. And for what I don't know, I have these handy style manuals that remind me what I am forgetting in my old age. So anyway, I could continue on this path... Get a new job and work hard at it. Maybe be an editor-in-chief of something someday. Mostly what I'm looking at here is money. I really like money. It helps me buy stuff that I don't need like designer clothes, spendy Christmas gifts for others and vacations to Disney World (3). 

School! Even though I'd have no idea how to pay for it, eventually I'd like to go back to school. Either for my MA in something (everyone says business graduates make lots of moolah), or going back to school for art. As I'm sure you can tell from my drawing, I love to do so, but the talent is somewhat lacking. And never mind my complete disregard for perspective. My dream job would be to work for Pixar. But that's one of those dream jobs that is the ultimate dream. I don't think I can get that far. Not without a lot of schooling, the best grades, and a lot of luck. 

The side roads... Well, let's be honest. Don't we all wish sometimes that we could just pack up and leave? I would love to sell everything, buy a plane ticket and move to a sunny island somewhere. Work as a bartender and spend my mornings at the beach. Yeah, I could totally dig that. (4) And of course I have other ideas. Plans I would never initiate unless I was at rock bottom. Or if the eventual zombie apocalypse comes early. And it will come. ;-)


So, where does my brainstorming lead me? Well, I'm still not sure. Still stuck. Maybe I need motivation. Or a sign. Maybe I just need to cuddle my guinea pig some more and then when I'm done sneezing, contemplate some more.




1. I hate wusses and weak people. My grandparents are the toughest people I know, and I believe I've followed well in that category.
2. The Boomers ruined everything.
3. That's a big one. Just about everything I do I do with the knowledge in the back of my mind that I want to go to Disney World again. And again. And again.
4. Does saying "dig" date me? Is that not cool anymore? :-p

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

My Halloween song, done to the tune of Andy Williams' "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year." Hope you like!
-------------------------------------------------
It's the most wonderful time of the year 
With the kids trick or treating
And everyone telling you "Enjoy the fear!" 
It's the most wonderful time of the year 
It's the scar-scariest season of all
With those Halloween parties and hay rides to go on 
Oh, you'll have a ball,It's the hap- happiest season of all!

There'll be parties for hosting,
Pumpkin seeds for toasting,
And hoping it will not snow.
There'll be scary ghost stories,
And tales of the glories of,
tricks played long, long ago...

It's the most wonderful time of the year.
There'll be many sexy costumes,
And kids dressed as cartoons,
When candy is near!
It's the most wonderful time of the year!

There'll be pumpkins for carving,
Community party-ing,
And zombie bar crawls downtown.
There'll be scary TV movies,
Costuming cuties, 
Let's try to avoid the clowns! 

It's the most wonderful time of the year!
There'll be much dressing up,
And filling your cup,
With Halloween treats, that is clear! 
It's the most wonderful time 
It's the most wonderful time 
It's the most wonderful time 
It's the most wonderful time of the year!!!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The Argument for Weddings

This past weekend, I was in a wedding for my good friends, Jim and Nyree. As one of Nyree's bridesmaids (bridesmatron?) I had to get the dress, the shoes, the hair style, and of course the stuff that goes with that - make-up, undergarments, etc. Including a shower gift, wedding gift, transportation, etc., the price of being a bridesmaid is quite high. And during the last year, I was somewhat worried about it, and I'm sure I complained to my husband more than I needed to. He was a groomsman as well, but aside from the tux, he didn't have much else to worry about. Men usually don't.

Prior to the wedding, we (the wedding party, friends, etc.) were commenting on how weddings were just too expensive these days and how it was just too much monetarily for the bride and groom to support on their own. DJs, photographers, catering... It's a lot for two people to handle. And even if they have help from their parents, as I did, it can start a marriage off in the wrong direction: the road to debtville. And what of the bride and groom? Are they throwing a reception for themselves or for their family? Personally, I did the whole big wedding thing to please my grandparents, who would have probably disowned me if I eloped. My mother would have loved it though... And doing something so massive just to please others seems somewhat of a waste if you yourself can't enjoy the fruits of it.

However, on Saturday, I realized something that hadn't occurred to me before - nor would have if I hadn't been a part of the wedding party. Wedding receptions and the ceremony are much more than just a large party. It's a right of passage, but also a commitment of camaraderie with your friends and family. I had many bonding experiences with people throughout the day, and became closer friends with a few people (from my perspective).

I have to wonder if the entire experience is a chance for the bride to test her friends... 'If you can make it through this, I know you'll be with me when things get rough.' And perhaps, 'If I'm making a mistake, you owe it to me to tell me!' Thankfully, this was not the case here. Jim and Nyree belong together, and that's clearly evident from their love and attitudes toward each other.

And yes, perhaps they did just throw this big wedding for their family and friends. For the people that enjoyed the food, cake, DJ, etc., it's an extravagant party and an excuse to dress up. Also, as a guest, there's a good chance you will know others there. Family or friends whom you haven't seen in a long time, and now have the chance to catch-up with. Weddings are one of the more important gatherings in life, and are savored for years afterward.

I didn't truly appreciate this until Saturday, and specifically, at about 4:05pm, when standing up at the front of the room. I saw one of my friends walk up the isle, father ready to give her away, beaming and looking the most radiant I'd ever seen her. Looking over at her fiancĂ©, I saw the same look in his eyes as when he proposed to her. At that moment, I felt that (for me anyway), all the preparation and duty-bound tasks were worth it. I hope it was for her too.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

My Choice, My Decision - 7/13/10

One of the unfortunate side-effects of a relative having a baby is the question that many ask: "When are you going to have a baby?" It is my personal belief, that like being asked "When are you getting married?" to a single person, this is one of the most anger-inducing questions. You almost want to ask in return, "When are you going to die? Because that's the next logical step now for you, isn't it?"

I don't like - no, I hate - how much our society values worth by relationships. For example:

  • "Your child is a trouble maker. You must be a bad parent!"
  • "Your kid didn't go to college? For shame..."
  • "Your brother is in jail? You must have been a bad influence!"
  • "Your father hurt you? What did you do to deserve it?" 


While these statements are made up, they're still real in the sense that the person on the receiving end feels that this was what is meant when people ask questions about the circumstances that arise in our lives. We have no control over these events, even if we may have provided support (or lack thereof) in one way or another.

I may have control over whether I can get pregnant or not (thanks to birth control pills), but I do not have control over what I feel are circumstances that would make one a bad parent, specifically, a bad father.

My husband likes kids - more or less. He's not what one would call overly patient, but he's very careful with children when in their presence. He seems to understand their delicate nature, yet also the "bounce back" ability they have. And of course, he's extremely intelligent, but to the point where I think he might push his own child too hard to build explosives or become a world-renown genius.

But being insane is not enough alone to make one a bad parent. But I believe that being abusive is. How can you trust a person with another being - a child - when you can't trust him with anything else? And more importantly, with your own life, feelings, belongings, etc.?

And that is why I choose to not have children. Because while I made the choice years ago to be with my husband, I will not make that choice for one who cannot choose. I won't bring another person into this world who won't have the choice of parentage or lifestyle for at least eighteen years. I won't let this person - this imaginary being that hasn't been conceived yet - know fear and anger and frustration when I could have prevented it.

It's bad enough that I have to deal with it. I won't let it ever come near my child.

[Note: 8/26/19: Well, shit, this post didn't age well.]

Friday, June 4, 2010

More Regrets

My grandmother on my father's side passed away today. My younger brother says he feels relieved; she wasn't doing well, and she was probably now in a better place. I don't feel relief - I feel regret. I had intended to make it out to the wastes of Montana to see her before she died, and I didn't make it.

She had been in a home for a couple years, but my father said she didn't recognize anyone or really know what she was doing. My father is prone to exaggeration, though, and so I worried that it wasn't that bad and that I should see for myself. But I didn't get out there, and now I feel bad. And I know I'll regret it for the rest of my life. It's an interesting view - looking uphill before you climb it.

And now another song from BFF seems to fit into my life. I hate that.

"Anyway, I thought about the things I settled for/
Or never tried/
I never visited my grandma even once/
When she was sick before she died/
So I don't blame you if you never come to see me/
Here again"
- Regrets, Ben Folds Five


So next week I journey out to the state of my birth to see a side of my family I haven't seen in years. I hope my showing up now is enough to make them not hate me. It won't be enough for me.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Simple Message: Don't Drink and Drive.

Ten years ago today, I was hit by a drunk driver.

It had been a long Friday at school, and with finals the following week, everyone was eager to get out of there, though most of us had some hard studying to do over the weekend. It was the end of my first semester at the University of Wisconsin, Eau Claire, and I planned on spending most of the weekend cramming but also spending time at home with friends and family.

I wasn't going to drive home to the cities until the following morning. It would be easier to drive home on a Saturday morning than a Friday night. My roommate Mike and I were going to caravan, since his family also lived in the Twin Cities, though on the other side of where I was headed.

However, our plans of having a restful Friday night were interrupted by our downstairs neighbor who was having a party to celebrate the end of school. Nevermind that he was a week early, but you know some people - any excuse for a party. Mike and I wouldn't have minded, but it was late and since we had planned on getting up early, we wanted to sleep, and by midnight, we could see that there was no way that was going to happen. This party was going to continue all night. So we decided we would drive home now while we were awake. We got our cars loaded and started out from Eau Claire to Minneapolis/St. Paul.

At the time, the bars in Wisconsin closed at 2am and the bars in Minnesota closed at 1am. It was pretty common to drive over the border for the extra hour of drinking, though me being newly 21, I didn't pay attention to the bar patron habits.

We crossed over into Minnesota about a quarter after one and began our drive into the suburbs of the cities. We were on I-94 heading west, Mike driving in front of me, about a half dozen car lengths up, give or take. In Woodbury, just around the 494/694/94 interchange, I thought I saw some lights up ahead, coming through Mike's window. It was a weird second of thought, wondering what would make that glow...

A half a second later, my car was hit and whirled around, seemingly facing northeast. I heard loud noises, crunching and screeching, and then nothing. A silence and my own scared breathing. My car was off - it would never run again - and I tried to get out of the car, but the door wouldn't open. I managed to undo my seatbelt and then kicked open the door with my legs while holding on to my seat and steering wheel for leverage.

I got out and looked around me, so completely dazed that I'm not entirely sure what happened next. I know I wasn't the only one hit, because I saw Mike's car in the median, and a another person's car behind me, though I couldn't tell if she had pulled over first, or what had happened. Later I learned that she had seen what was happening, but it was too late - she was hit too. I couldn't see Mike and at first, I think I assumed he had gotten out of his car. It was so dark, and I was so confused anyway - I had no idea what was going on.

Traffic had stopped now, and a man came over to me and ushered me to a safe part of the road. He stayed there with me until police came, which was only a minute. I was then told to get into the back of the State Trooper's car, where one of the troopers asked me questions, though I think he realized quickly that I was still in shock. I kept asking where Mike was and what had happened, but I didn't get any answers just yet. And I still can't remember what he asked me, but soon after the questioning, he gave me a phone to call my parents with.

At my grandparents' house, it was about 1:30am when my grandfather picked up the phone. If I hadn't been in such a daze, I'm sure I would have been crying. But I told him where I was, what had happened, and then quickly asked the trooper where they were taking me. St. Paul's Regions Hospital. I had never been there, nor knew where it was, so I panicked slightly, worrying that they wouldn't be able to find me. My grandfather assured me he'd get there and I gave the phone back to the State Trooper. I don't know if he talked to my grandfather at this point, or just hung up. I suppose it wasn't important, but at the time, despite sensory overload, I was trying to understand everything.

After getting out of the trooper's car, I heard someone shouting my name. I looked over to see Mike, being wheeled away in a stretcher. "She's here, Mike," the trooper yelled. "She's okay." I looked at the trooper wondering what was going on. There was also suddenly a lot of wind, as I noticed that there was a helicopter above us. It couldn't land, but I remember thinking that it was really freakin' close.

I was then led to an ambulance, where they told me it was standard procedure to put me in there so I could be looked over at the hospital. The EMTs/paramedics looked me over and examined my neck after I said it hurt. They determined I had no serious injuries, but I had to lay in the stretcher anyway. It was weird, being tied down like that. When I finally had a moment to ask, I asked what had happened with Mike. He answered, "He wouldn't go without knowing what happened to you." I felt deeply touched, and hoped he knew I was worrying about him too.

On the drive to the hospital, I noticed a teddy bear in the ambulance. After asking about it, the driver told me that it was for children to who had to be in the ambulance and needed some comforting. After a moment, he asked me if I wanted it. I said no thanks, but kept looking at it the whole way there, feeling oddly comforted by a bear and my attendant.

I was taken into the hospital and allowed out of the stretcher in the ER. The paramedics said goodbye and I was put in an examining area. A doctor came to see me and examined me. I had a sprained or broken pinky finger (it didn't matter - it would heal the same either way) and a huge pink mark across my chest from the seatbelt straining hard to hold me. It did it's job, though later, my family and I wondered why the airbag hadn't worked. I was pretty shook up, and the doctor told me to take it easy for a couple weeks. I told him that finals were next week, and that there was no way I could miss that and not get in serious trouble. And that's when I realized I didn't have my backpack with me; it was still in the car. The troopers also stopped by and asked me questions.

Not long after, my grandparents and mother showed up, escorted by a nurse, I think. My mom told me she was just coming home from work when Grandpa and Grandma were heading out the door. Surprised, she didn't have time to ask before my grandfather told her I was in the hospital and pulled her along with them. When they got there, I hugged them a lot and that's when I wanted to cry. I had wrecked the car, I was out past bar closing, and they had to get up to come get me. I felt so bad and yet, so happy to be able to be talking to them.

The doctor told me that Mike wasn't so lucky.

The driver of the car that hit us was going down the wrong way on I-94, having been very drunk and not able to tell that he was going on the on-ramp the wrong way. When the troopers talked to me in the hospital, they told me that they were on their way after having received calls from a few people that there was someone driving the wrong way on the freeway. They knew that unless they caught up to the guy quickly, there would be an accident. "We were just too late," he said. The drunk driver's car had been going roughly 70 miles an hour. Mike and I too, had been doing about that, though I don't remember exactly. Now some physics for you... What happens when two cars going about 70mph hit each other? A mess, to say the least.

Right after Mike was hit, the car swirled and hit me next, the speed cut in half from his and Mike's collision. He hit me too, but at a different angle of course. Then after that, car still moving, the woman behind me was hit too. Now it doesn't take a genius to figure out which car had it worse. Both Mike's and my cars were totalled, but his wasn't much more than metal pieces after the accident. The windshield had shattered and the front end crushed in like an aluminum can.

Mike's injuries are something that no doubt, he still lives with to this day. When the glass shattered, it went inside the car, spraying him with glass shards. From his face to his hair to his chest, they were picking out glass pieces for a long time from what I was told. He also broke his left foot, and was in a cast for a while after that.

The drunk broke both of his legs in the accident and had to be airlifted to the hospital. I believe he was taken to the same hospital, though I wasn't allowed to see him. I heard he was in a surgery room. Good thing too... I'm sure I would have wanted to hurt him. Mike told me later that it wouldn't have done any good. I knew he was right, but I was angry and wanted justice.

Mike did research in the following weeks and found that our drunk driver, Alan Sylte (and no, I don't feel bad in the least about putting his name out there), was a stereotypical bum. Deadbeat dad, arrested for drunk driving before, and had other accidents on his record. We were not his first victims. And of course, he had no insurance and no money. Our insurance companies covered our injuries, but Mike's was going to sue, though I don't know what they hoped to get out of that guy.

Much to our anger, he spent only six months in jail. We don't know if he had to go to AA or anything like that, but six months seemed pretty minimal to us. I would have preferred a couple years and a long time of probation.

There isn't much to tell of the aftermath. We made it back to school that Monday morning, though both late for our classes and our minds too messed up to do 100% on our tests. Mike wouldn't drive again for a while, but thankfully, his girlfriend helped him quite a bit.

Life happened though, and we both moved on, finishing school and going our respective ways. We don't talk anymore now, but I still believe - firmly - that Mike saved my life that night. As the car directly in front, he could have moved and allowed me to be hit first, but he didn't. How could he have not seen it coming, after all? I am told by quite a few that's it not likely that he did that on purpose. That's possible, and I respect that opinion. But they weren't there.

My point of writing this all down is that I want to remember - and I want others to know - that drunk driving hurts people. We were so lucky to not have lost our lives that night. I wish it didn't happen, but it did, and I am a different person because of it.

There is no excuse, NONE at all, to drive while intoxicated. Have a designated driver, call a taxi, take a bus, anything! Or do what most of us do and drink at home because it's cheaper!

I don't like driving after bar closing now. I haven't for ten years. I do anything to avoid driving at that time to not have to go through what I went through ten years ago. It wasn't just the accident. It was the pain in the ass that followed. Having to find a new car (that I couldn't afford), getting my backpack from my car from the impound lot (harder than you think), dealing with scores of "are you okay?" for months, and the nightmares that lasted for a year after (which probably was the reason for the concern of friends), were all pieces of the part of my life taken from me.

I'm alive, and I'm happy for that, but it's not enough. Ideally, I want this to never happen again to anyone. I want my story to not have to be told ever again. I know that it's a lot to ask, and most likely not going to happen, but I'm going to try for it.

I want to close this chapter on my life, and never think about it again. But I know that because of it I am a different person, and one who is willing to do anything to stop drunk driving.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Anger-ball

These past couple weeks I have been an anger-ball. A furious, ill-tempered, crazy girl who isn't sure how it got this way.

Maybe I'm reading too much. Maybe I'm watching the news and getting too angry. Or maybe I'm just tired of the same-old-shit happening around me. Whatever it is, I don't know what's causing all the ire inside me. I'm just grumpy. And pissy. And ready to be an activist forever...just so I have something to fight for.

And fight is just what I want to do.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Airline Angst

I hate flying.

Not the physical act of sitting in a plane cruising at 35000 feet, but the process of all that flying entails. Driving to the airport (usually not a short trip), waiting in the long line to check-in (which is now an impersonal computer kiosk), waiting in yet another long line for security (impersonal is implied with TSA), and then of course, the wait for your airline to board, seat, and finally take-off. No matter where you fly, your entire day is affected somehow.

I was up early this morning trying to catch an earlier flight and be less of a pain on my host, as well as get home earlier to my husband. I'm tired, wondering if I can nap in my chair, but know that I won't sleep well if it all. My earlier flight came with a fee and a bad attitude. so that sucks.

I have a carry-on and my laptop bag. I hate lugging these all over the place, but I have little choice. Terrorists are everywhere they tell us, so we can't leave our bags unattended. I can't trust my fellow passengers, I guess.

What really bothers me is that I don't have any solutions to the problems. Yes, a passengers' manifesto is a step in the right direction, but I don't think it will help everything. I almost wish the government would take over all air travel, but I don't think that would go over well. It would be cheaper, at any rate. And probably less annoying. Hopefully. I guess it doesn't matter.

I doubt any of this will get better. Things will probably get worse before they get better.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Ghost in the Ship

This afternoon, Andrew and I went to see the Titanic artifact exhibit at the Minnesota Science Museum. Due to the popular draw in local community, this was extended three weeks, which allowed us uber-procrastinators to get there. I find the history of the time period and the engineering of the ship amazing, but the story itself of course, is deeply depressing. It's sad, hopeless, and numbing.

The entire visit was like walking though a literal ghost ship. While the walls and rooms were decorated to look like the inside of the ship, the decor was greatly reduced in elegance by the artifacts and tales of the dead on the walls and tables. I felt like I was being followed around by ghosts, and had a horrible (no pun intended) sinking feeling. After reading accounts of women refusing to leave their husbands, and survivors who lost family members, I too did not want to leave Andrew's side, even just in an exhibit hall.

I was glad to leave when we were done. We saw the Titanica movie first, and I'm glad we did because after the exhibit itself, I would have wanted to leave. It was just too eerie. Like the wandering dead follow the artifacts themselves.

I had a lot of questions after the movie and the exhibit. What was the purpose in going down there? Did people want to find out how a ship looked in the ocean after 70-some years? (Remembering that the Titanic was first located in 1985). Were people interested in it for the sake of history? Or science? Or treasure hunting? I guess I'm just not sure that such a tragedy should be made light of. Not that museums are doing that, but I guess it's still odd to me. And what of the artifacts themselves? Can anything be learned from their time in the ocean? Are we learning anything from the dives and item recoveries now? With all of this interest, how long will it be before the ship itself is just pulled out of the ocean? Or would they just leave it there because someday people would pay money to see it close-up? I guess I'm just cynical.

Despite all this uneasiness, I have an urge to watch the movie (1997 version) again. That makes me feel bad... For the dead and the survivors - though, there are none of those left.

Perhaps I feel weirded out by it because this highlights a couple of my largest fears: dying, and drowning. Granted, most died from hypothermia, but that doesn't really help my stomach settle. I don't really know why I'm afraid of water so much. I love swimming and boating, but I have a great and fearful respect of water and the dangers that come with it. Maybe that comes from when I was a child, and my brother jumped on me from a diving board in a swimming pool. Coughing, but alive, I gasped for air and was pulled out of the water. I don't remember the rest, but I hope that my brother was reprimanded. Even now, that brings back some fear... and I hope that memory goes away soon.