My Choice, My Decision - 7/13/10

One of the unfortunate side-effects of a relative having a baby is the question that many ask: "When are you going to have a baby?" It is my personal belief, that like being asked "When are you getting married?" to a single person, this is one of the most anger-inducing questions. You almost want to ask in return, "When are you going to die? Because that's the next logical step now for you, isn't it?"

I don't like - no, I hate - how much our society values worth by relationships. For example:

• "Your child is a trouble maker. You must be a bad parent!"
• "Your kid didn't go to college? For shame..."
• "Your brother is in jail? You must have been a bad influence!"
• "Your father hurt you? What did you do to deserve it?" 

While these statements are made up, they're still real in the sense that the person on the receiving end feels that this was what is meant when people ask questions about the circumstances that arise in our lives. We have no control over these events, even if we may have provided support (or lack thereof) in one way or another.

I may have control over whether I can get pregnant or not (thanks to birth control pills), but I do not have control over what I feel are circumstances that would make one a bad parent, specifically, a bad father.

My husband likes kids - more or less. He's not what one would call overly patient, but he's very careful with children when in their presence. He seems to understand their delicate nature, yet also the "bounce back" ability they have. And of course, he's extremely intelligent, but to the point where I think he might push his own child too hard to build explosives or become a world-renown genius.

But being insane is not enough alone to make one a bad parent. But I believe that being abusive is. How can you trust a person with another being - a child - when you can't trust him with anything else? And more importantly, with your own life, feelings, belongings, etc.?

And that is why I choose to not have children. Because while I made the choice years ago to be with my husband, I will not make that choice for one who cannot choose. I won't bring another person into this world who won't have the choice of parentage or lifestyle for at least eighteen years. I won't let this person - this imaginary being that hasn't been conceived yet - know fear and anger and frustration when I could have prevented it.

It's bad enough that I have to deal with it. I won't let it ever come near my child.

[Note: 8/26/19: Well, shit, this post didn't age well.]