Our Decision and My Request

Every time I start to write this post, something else happens that makes it invalid and I have to start again. But I am determined to finish this, because now I'm at the stage where I need more help.

But first, I need to bring you up to speed.

In September, the VA diagnosed my grandfather (I'll just say Dan from here out) with Alzheimer's. We've all known his memory has been failing for quite some time, but the doctors felt it went beyond dementia. He's now on a pill called donepezil. I don't think it helps much, but that's just me.

We had a family appointment at the VA with the memory care doctor in October, where the doctor explained it again to Dan and my mother (Deb), who was in significant denial about the diagnosis in September. The doctor explained to them how his memory was failing and what exactly this meant. (I had heard this before, so this appointment was specifically for Deb and Dan (again)). She also recommended assisted living for his safety. After Dan's accident in June, St. Gertrude's also recommended assisted living, so since then, Jake and I had been looking into options.

Prior to the appointment in October, Jake and I narrowed it down to four places, and went and visited each one, finally choosing St. Therese Southwest on the border of Eden Prairie and Hopkins. We were on the fence between that one and another, but the deciding factor was the fact that Aunt Sis is at this one as well. They would have the opportunity to visit each other, and we as a family could visit them both at the same time.

We had a room picked out and have been working on getting everything together for the Aid & Attendance benefit, so we're ready to go at any time. What is standing in my way is Deb.

She insisted that we try a day program first, we have been sending Dan to SarahCare in Savage for the past few weeks. However, the VA only covers two days a week of this, and more days is not something we can pay for out of pocket right now. Not that we want to do that anyway - he has friends that want to come pick him up sometimes, and he still likes to go to the Legends a couple nights a week. Even so, I can't stay at home with  him anymore.

So I talked to Deb on Sunday night and told her that I planned on putting Dan in St. Therese's within the month. Crying, she told me we would be killing him by taking him away from his home, but I disagree. I think that with all the social prospects (which the doctor said would be good for him) and the fact that people wanting to see him and take him out wouldn't have to check with me first, it would be a great move for him. Yes, it will be difficult at first, but he needs more than we can offer right now. I can't be here all the time, and neither can Deb or Jake. And when Deb is here, she's not upstairs with him. I tried to explain all these things to her, and in the end, she asked for me to wait until after Christmas. I may not have a choice, since I can't really do this without complete family support.

So my request for my family is to help me with Deb. I ask that family and friends (of about her age or older) call and talk to her. Assure her that she's doing the right thing. Moving my grandfather is the right idea. Two days ago, he fell again, and while it wasn't serious and he wasn't hurt, I fear that it could be worse one day.

I've worked very hard to keep my grandfather safe and healthy, and sometimes at the opposition of my mother. All I'm asking is that you help me to give her that final push. Jake and I have already done all the work; all she needs to do is just accept it and help us remind him (again and again) that this is best for him.

Talking to Dan is going to be difficult too, because he doesn't remember one day to the next, so I'm sure he's forgotten the appointment already, even with my talking to him about it. But one issue at a time.

Deb's number (and forgive me for the spam filter) is: 952-five eight three - five four zero three. She's not home (usually) from 9am to 7pm, Monday through Friday, but she comes home early on Mondays quite often. I would also recommend trying Dan's number: 952- four four seven five nine one seven.

Thank you all. Call me or write if you have questions, comments, or want more details. My number is: 952-four eight four - three two eight five.

While I am posting this online, I will call those of you not on Facebook or that I don't have emails for. But if my younger cousins (that is, my age) want to do me a favor and tell your parents about this, that would help too.Oh, and I'm sure I don't have to mention this, but don't tell her I asked you to call. That's a conversation I don't want to have later. :-P