Crumbling Worlds

Where to begin...

This fall sucks. Autumn, I mean, but also my metaphorical fall from where I was. I'm depressed, angry, hurt, and at every turn i feel like crying. That's not a way to live.

Last week, I got "demoted." My boss changed my job status from full-time to "part-time/temporary," meaning that I lose my benefits and most of my hours, but should they feel the need to abuse me, they can give me hours anywhere from one to forty in a week. Even if I find another job, I won't be able to deny the hours until I quit. So I'm looking for a new job. However, in this economy, it's freakin' hard. It seems no one is hiring, and I just have to hope I get lucky. First step - get resume out there and work my ass off in finding that job. And in that case, blog less. ;-)

Aside from that, my marriage is falling apart before my eyes. I suppose that's not the correct terminology to use; it's not like a building falling down. This is a partnership that I had a part in. But the hurt and loathing I feel toward my husband is more than I can stand. I hate being in the same room with him. His mood swings give me daily whiplash and my mind turns to violent thoughts of poison, stabbing, and ball-kicking. Things I wouldn't do, but that I will let my mind imagine.

His anger issues are troubling. I had decided long ago that I would not have children with him because of those issues. It's just too dangerous. That upsets me, but I might have been able to live with just that. But then the anger turns toward me. He blames me for everything, only brings up his feelings and problems when he's angry (and thus shouting at me for things that seemed to have come from nowhere), criticizes me to where I feel worthless, and in that, I cannot stop the tears from coming.

I'm quite close to losing it, and I think the only thing I can do is hold on for dear life. It's like I'm at the edge of a cliff. No one is coming to rescue me, though. I'm just going to hang there and either fall, or eventually pull myself up. I hope I have the strength.