More Regrets

My grandmother on my father's side passed away today. My younger brother says he feels relieved; she wasn't doing well, and she was probably now in a better place. I don't feel relief - I feel regret. I had intended to make it out to the wastes of Montana to see her before she died, and I didn't make it.

She had been in a home for a couple years, but my father said she didn't recognize anyone or really know what she was doing. My father is prone to exaggeration, though, and so I worried that it wasn't that bad and that I should see for myself. But I didn't get out there, and now I feel bad. And I know I'll regret it for the rest of my life. It's an interesting view - looking uphill before you climb it.

And now another song from BFF seems to fit into my life. I hate that.

"Anyway, I thought about the things I settled for/
Or never tried/
I never visited my grandma even once/
When she was sick before she died/
So I don't blame you if you never come to see me/
Here again"
- Regrets, Ben Folds Five


So next week I journey out to the state of my birth to see a side of my family I haven't seen in years. I hope my showing up now is enough to make them not hate me. It won't be enough for me.